He brushes his teeth
every night.
He texted me
“Don’t forget to brush your teeth!”
I laughed.
You don’t need to brush your teeth
every single night.
You can skip a night or two
if you’re really tired.
But he persisted.
He insisted that teeth-brushing
was much more than a mindless motion.
It’s a commitment to make to yourself
each night,
4AM and exhausted,
Or into bed early
to tackle the morning sun head-on.
Droopy eye’d and slumped over the sink,
It doesn’t matter.
You can still pick up a brush.
The rhythmic sounds fills the nighttime air.
The bristled bow
Makes its way across
Every shimmering chord
In your jaw.
a song to yourself.
I see the blue guitarist eyes
peer back at themselves in the mirror,
as you begin
unpacking the music of the day
into the sink.
Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh,
Splat.
It’s time to get rid of the plaque
and toxicity
That has been accumulating
throughout the day.
You don’t want to take
all that with you
to sleep
tonight.
You’re tired, but you fight
a simple rebellion
against every thought
that tells you you’re not worth
the two minutes it takes
to take care of yourself
and end the day off right.
This is your weapon.
This is your toothbrush.
I marveled as I watched you turn
the seemingly mindless activity
into pure magic
right before my eyes.
You texted me: “don’t forget to brush your teeth!”
But I was already flossing.
The title of your poem "Cleansing Instrument" really encapsulates the lesson the narrator has learned as she slowly begins viewing the toothbrush as representing more than the basic functions a toothbrush is known to preform. She start heeding the advice of the mysterious "him", tentatively at first, until it becomes habitual and actually enjoyable. The phrase "pearly white strings" is a commonly used descriptive image for teeth and I thought it cliche. I especially enjoyed the line "a simple rebellion" as this seemed to be a shift in mindset for the narrator- a turning point. I loved how you made a simple action into an experience. A very enjoyable read!
ReplyDeleteAs I see it, this is a funny and witty poem about a simply act and a person who pays more attention to it than most. I start to click in to the poem with the last line of the first stanza, which made me smile.
ReplyDeleteI think there are missed opportunities for fun moments when you might extend things a little to make them more comical. For example, this line could be extended to give a funny image of the super-brushing plugging away at those pearly whites: "Droopy eye’d and slumped over the sink." I think one more line after that showing the person awkwardly (but very intensely) brushing might make that part more funny.
The beginning of stanza three shows you using the tools of poetry by employing a simile. This is a good moment in the poem, and in general, I encourage you to try using more of the tools of poetry that make poetry poetry and not prose.
My favorite lines are these lines that use anaphora to offer up some comedy:
This is your weapon.
This is your toothbrush.
That's pretty hilarious, and I enjoyed reading it.
Hi Professor Miller. I've been thinking a lot about your comments, and I am having difficulty implementing them. Can I ask you a few quick questions after class? Thanks so much for taking the time to write them!
DeleteWow, Tamar this ext. met poem is so brilliant. I really loved how you injected so much meaning into the mundane. Your word and line-threading, if I can make up a term, was really well done... the internal ryme in "But he persisted. / He insisted that teeth-brushing" and the alliteration in "much more than a mindless motion" mimic the "rhythmic sounds." Your piece is so strong that I think you can substitute "pearly white" with something we've never heard before to scale the power of those incredible lines (like unpacking the music / of the day / into the sink." So good just so good.)
ReplyDeleteThank you and I have updated the poem to remove the more cliched pearly whites line that you and Paradigm Shift have commented on! Thanks so much!
DeleteI love this poem... I love poems that touch on the magic of the mundane...I would not change a thing
ReplyDeleteThis poem had a fun rhythm to it and was an enjoyable read. I think you could possibly change the wording in the line "morning sun" I think its a bit redundant and perhaps there can be a more vivid image there. Like how the sun appreciates a non-grimey mouth in the morning. I think that its something that you could for sure adjust and make this poem an excellent story of perseverance ;)
ReplyDelete