I arose from the dust, in the very beginning of time
But I was birthed again. And the second time you’ll see,
I was born as a Mother, with another's rib in mine.
I was given one command, but perhaps I’ll decline.
Wasn’t I born autonomously,
Arising the dust, in the spark of time?
He was, in a sense, my opposite, when assisting the crime,
But in structure, blood, and ribs, like me,
And I was born as a Mother, with another's rib in mine.
I asked myself: Why be deprived of a fruit so fine?
I fell soon after I lept for it, thirstfully.
I arose from the dust, in the spark of time
His voice sounded human when he spoke the lying line,
When I was tripped, I couldn’t help but see
I was born as a Mother, with another's rib in mine.
I was tossed out of Eden due to my decline.
You inherit my curse. Future, changed with but a tree
From the dust, in the spark of time.
I was born as a Mother, with another's rib in mine.
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ReplyDeleteTHIS IS INSANNNNE
ReplyDeleteThis is just so cool. This sort of biblical allusion is usually really over-used, but you made it unique. My favorite line is "And I was born as a Mother, with another's rib in mine." I also like how you tweaked the refrain to make it flow with the tercet. ex: the punctuation change in "Arising the dust, in the very beginning of time?"
To make it even stronger, maybe lessen the syllable count in some of the lines to match the rest of the villanelle. Ex:
- "Wasn’t I born autonomously? Originally? With self-sovereignty"
- "The thought of it tempted and taunted me. Why was I deprived of a fruit so fine?"
- "My accomplice, our future offspring, cursed. Future, changed with but a tree"
Also, this was just a typo, but I think you meant to write "when" instead of "we" in "His voice sounded so human we he spoke the lying line."
Hi Rachel! Thank you so much for the time and care you take in critiquing my poems, it is always appreciated. I have implemented changes based upon your suggestions, very helpful!
DeleteThis is such a refreshing take on the classic story of creation. I love how you put your unique twist on it and interpretation by calling Eve a mother even though she was born a woman and did not birth sons yet to be called a mom. This basically means that all woman are destined to be mothers essentially. And it's so great how the rhymes feel natural, not forced, and work very well thematically like with "crime" and "time", "fine" and "decline", and "tree" and "me". There are a few places you can tighten it by removing a few words like "a" in "a fruit so fine", "but" in "but in structure, blood..." and "as" in "I was born as a mother" so it reads "I was born a mother" which will make it sound more solid and flow smoother.
ReplyDeleteHi Efrat! Thank you so much for commenting on this piece! I have a rough draft to fix up some mistakes, and I cannot wait to implement your critiques. Additionally, I wanted to clarify about my purposes of the line "born a mother" and other nuances of Genesis text interpretation I've incorporated into my poem
DeleteWhen I say Eve was "born a mother" I am referencing her title of "Em Kul Chai", or in English, mother of all life. I am contrasting Eve's role as "proto-human". In juxdaposing this to her having Adam's rib, I portray her as someone who is both affected by others, and affects others, for, essentially, all of history. But "arising from the dust" references the second creation story where Eve isnt portrayed as having Adam's rib, but simply being created from the dust and dirt
I use this side of the story to portray her as acting independently, solely responsible for her own sins, giving into temptation. The switching of these lines mark the transition between this dual lens. Hope this helps.
I love the biblical allusion....and I love that you repeat the rib line...I have nothing bad to say
ReplyDelete